I want to know what it is that makes me so incapable of being friends with anyone.

I haven’t been able to hold onto any friend for longer than approximately three years besides Yaritza (but we don’t even talk anymore). And the runner up is Jessica because at the end of this year we’ll pretty much reach three years, but I still haven’t found it in me to actually talk to her besides a few times.

I just really wish that I knew what prevents me from making friends. I mean, I know I’m awkward and not special and not pretty and everything, but I’m not completely horrible either. I mean, I’m not a complete monster, but I know so many people who are complete monsters who have friends.

Is it ‘cause I’m different? That’s the only thing that I can come up with. I’m awkward and I don’t drink or do drugs and I’m not confident and I’m really fucking emotional. I build walls around myself so that I don’t seem weak even though I know I’m weak.

And this morning, my god, my dad’s voice won’t stop playing in my head. We get in the car so he can take me to the bus stop and he just keeps asking me why I’ve been like this for a week now, and he starts guessing. He asks if it’s school, something that’s going on, am I in trouble, is it my mom, is it him, and he just keeps going. And at one point he was just like, “I think you want to tell me but feel like you can’t or something but I’m your dad, this is what I’m supposed to do, I’m here to listen to you and help you.” And the whole entire time I was thinking that he shouldn’t be caring about me this fucking much because I’m not special. And then all I could think about was that I wish it was someone else who cared so much. Because my dad is supposed to care. And all I could think was that there’s only one person in this whole fucking world that cares about me that much, and I know that that should be enough but it’s not. And he was right, I do want to tell him, but I feel like I can’t. I want to tell someone, I just don’t know how. And it’s not something that can be fixed just by me talking.

And I know that I said that I wasn’t going to post much on here anymore, but I just need to get this all out. I’ve just never been so fucking sad, ever. And that’s saying so much because the first time I had ever felt depressed was in 8th grade. And that’s when I started starving myself. And then in freshman year, I started cutting. And sophomore year, I started cutting again. And junior year is more than half way done and I haven’t done anything but it’s so hard not to. And the only reason I don’t fall into those things again is because I told myself the last time that I cut that it would be the last time. But this is so fucking hard. And I just feel like no one takes me seriously, but I’m trying so hard to keep everything together that it has made me unbearably tired and nauseous.

And I just don’t know what to do to make people understand how fucked up I am right now. I just feel so lonely all the time. My house is always empty because it’s only my dad and me and he’s always at work. I don’t talk on the phone, I don’t talk to people on AIM, I don’t talk to anyone here, I don’t text anyone anymore, I don’t hang out with anyone on the weekends. I just feel so fucking isolated from everything that’s good because I know that there is good in this world, but it just doesn’t seem to reach me. And I know that I was stupid when I gave all of me to Andres, but I couldn’t help it, I didn’t even know I was doing it. I just wish I was close enough to one person to be able to ask for a hug when I need one or something. And that’s why I constantly wish that someone would just notice and just, I don’t know, prove that they’re not going to leave me like everyone else did, prove that they’re not going to be too busy for me like everyone else is.

I’ve just never been so sad. Because at least at one point, I could get happy and distracted by going to school and hanging out with people at school and whatnot, but now it’s so hard to get out of bed because I know I’ll have to act like everything is okay. I mean, I know that I still laugh and talk and participate in class and everything, but it’s only because if I don’t, I’ll start to cry. And I have never felt that before, I’ve never felt so fucking sad that if I don’t keep pretending then I’ll just break.

I’ve made so many mistakes in the last two years, and it’s all hitting me now, really fucking fast. And I don’t know what to do.

It’s been 6 months, and it’s only gotten worse. And I just feel like I’m wasting my life away.